A It’s no surprise you feel betrayed. The two people you have placed the most trust in have wounded you in the worst possible way. No doubt this has hacked away at your self-esteem leaving you in a state of confusion and emotional turmoil. Take some time out for you. Separate yourself from both your best friend and your husband to give you time to think, and decide on how best to move forward.

The most important thing right now, is allow yourself to move through the emotions. Don’t suppress them. If you need to yell, find a big paddock to scream your heart out. If you want to let out the hurt and anger physically, try a boxing class. Or, you may find writing out your feelings in the form of a letter, and then burning the piece of paper, resonates with you more. Whatever you need to do to express any negative emotions, do it.

Once you no longer feel the need to gouge out their eyes, sit down quietly and evaluate the relationships. Decide whether either is worth saving. Remember, this is your choice. You’re the one who has been wronged. Honest conversations need to be had with both your husband and your best friend, once you decide on your decision. The biggie here, is trust. If you do decide to continue on with either of them, will you be able to trust them again? Trust after all, is the foundation for any relationship, whether it be intimate or not.

DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTMENT

Q My life seems to be a string of disappointments, from missing out on job promotions, to being late to pick up the kids. What should I do?

A It’s hard not to be disillusioned with ourselves and others when we expect so much. We are groomed to demand the best, to want everything, all the time. And when we mere mortals fail to deliver, we are conditioned to think there is something wrong with us. The secret? Learn to live each day without the curse of expectation. Once you remove expectation, life becomes much more enjoyable.

Step back from the work situation and take an objective viewpoint. Pretend you are watching this play out on your television screen, and you are simply the character in a movie. From this perspective what advice would you offer? Removing yourself from the emotion of the disappointment clears the brain fog so you can rationally seek out the opportunity.

Ask yourself: Are there any lessons I can learn from this latest disappointment? If so, what are they, and what do I need to do differently to ensure a better outcome in the future? What sort of person do I need to be, in order to fit the role? If that person is not you, maybe you should consider a similar position with a different company. It’s time to get off the merry-go-round. If you continue to do the same thing, you will keep getting the same result.

GETTING RID OF GUILT

Q My daughter has respiratory problems, which the doctor says is a result of drinking while breastfeeding. I feel so guilty I no longer believe I’m fit to be a mum.

A Okay, take a big deep breath. Yes, it’s true. Drinking probably wasn’t the best choice to make while still breastfeeding, but what’s done is done. Worrying about your actions and continuing the internal beat up, is only going to make you feel worse and put you at risk of making more decisions you may later come to regret.

Let go of the past, and step into the present. It’s now time to rectify the problem. This guilt you’re feeling is priceless. Stop wallowing in it for just a moment, and learn to harness its fire as fuel to change and take responsibility. You now know the effects of drinking while breastfeeding, so use this information to spur you into action.

Stop drinking for as long as you continue to breastfeed. If that is not possible, you have two options: reduce your consumption to one to two drinks and carefully time the baby’s feeding to limit the infant’s exposure to the alcohol, or make the decision to put the baby onto formula milk.

The past is long gone, all we have it today. So make the changes necessary to create the healthy future you want for you and your baby.

A First thing’s first. It’s vital you fully experience the emotions of what happened to you, so they don’t resurface later on. Journaling is one of the easiest ways to empty out the shame. If you feel like crying, cry. If you need to yell, close all the windows and doors, and scream your heart out. Do whatever you need, to flush out the left over residue.

Once there is no more rubbish left inside, start to gather the lessons. This is where you look at the event from an objective view point and identify the positive learnings. Treat the abuse as your teacher. List things you might do differently in the future. Effectively, you are changing your memory of the event, so it can be used to propel you forward, instead of holding you back.

Now I’m certainly not saying to condone your ex’s actions. What I am saying, is that you have a choice to move on from the victim mentality. We cannot change what has happened to us. But we can take responsibility for our present emotions and how they affect us in the future.

You may find taking a bush flower essence helps release the emotions more quickly. Billy Goat Plum works energetically with the body to counter-act feelings of shame, self loathing and self disgust. It can be extremely effective for those who feel revolted or dirty about sex, and feel unclean afterwards.

CLEARING NEGATIVITY

Q I was forced me to move back home with my parents, after being dealt some bad cards. How do I break free of their negativity and turn my life around?

A Negativity has the ability to take over our being and destroy our sense of hope. Having suffered depression, I understand the power it can wield. Every time you fall into this dark pit, don’t let it swallow you up whole. Refuse to get bogged down in the problem. Stand up tall, so you have a clear view of all the opportunities that are available to you.

Start focusing on what you want as opposed to what you have right now. Set some scary but exciting goals and spend a little time everyday in your head, visualising a positive outcome. Turn up the colour, hear the sounds you would hear, and feel a wave of positive emotions run through your veins as you create an inspiring, colourful future for yourself.

Surrounding yourself with positive people is also important. We feed off other people’s energy. If you are spending big chunks of time in this negative environment with your parents, it’s going to impact your thoughts and therefore your emotions. Seek out friends who have what you want, allow them to be your guiding light, and spend more time soaking up their love for life.

REDUNDANCY FEARS

Q My workplace has been laying people off left, right and centre. How do I make sure the fear of losing my job, doesn’t effect my performance?

A You still have a job, which is something to smile about. Don’t let this massive axe chip away at your self confidence. Living in a state of fear is only going to put added strain on you, which you simply don’t need. List all the reasons why you are such a valuable employee, to reaffirm in your own mind, why the company would want to keep you on board. If you believe in your own worth, so will the company.

I’d be having a chat to your boss about your concerns, so he/she can paint a clearer picture of the seriousness of the situation. For all you know, all the job cuts could be done with, which will give you peace of mind. If not, your boss will be able to give you an indication of whether you should start putting your feelers out for a new position elsewhere.

If, worst case scenario, you do get laid off, take a look at the positives. You’ll get a handy little payout to enjoy some relaxing time off. During that time, you can take a holiday and start looking around for a new job that satisfies both your financial and lifestyle needs. This is an opportunity to move to bigger and better things. This could be the nudge you need to further yourself professionally.

That said, often our fears are like our nightmares – the terror lies only in the imagination.

A In most cases, the purpose of dating is to discover your compatibility and level of devotion so that you can eventually make a decision about marriage. I know, I know – marriage? Yes, that’s right. Marriage. If not marriage, then what? Very few of us truly seek a non-committal long term relationship.

Long term relationships always lead to long term bonds. Sooner or later those relationships lead to the question: are we or aren’t we going to get married? So why not face those questions early on, and if you are not getting good answers, stop wasting both of your time, and move on.

My first question to you is: Are you in love with this woman? If not, then maybe you are not with the right person. If you do have strong feelings for her, then ask yourself, what am I afraid of? If you’re scared of being hurt, it’s time to face your fear so it doesn’t stop you from moving forward.

If you do decide to commit, just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. It’s okay to feel cautious, especially if you’ve been burnt before, but don’t let age or a fear of not meeting someone else, push you into a relationship your heart’s simply not in.

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST

Q I feel like I’m on a dating merry-go-round; I see guys for a few months, then it all falls apart. I don’t feel worthwhile unless I’m in a relationship.

A You’ve probably heard it before, but I’ll tell you again. In this confusing game of romance, there is one rule: You must love yourself first! The simple reason for this, is because our ideal partner is simply a reflection of us.

All the relationships you have with others are based on the relationship you have with yourself. It acts as the template from which all the unions in your life are shaped, setting the quality, tone and texture for how you relate to others and how they treat you in return.

You may be able to make someone fall in love with you, but unless you love yourself first, it won’t last. The reasons we fall in love are complex and biologically based, but the reason we stay in love is affected by how we feel about ourselves. If you don’t love yourself, who will?

Just as a flower needs watering to grow, start to nurture yourself in everyway. Spoil yourself regularly. Give yourself the attention and energy you would bestow upon your partner. Love yourself for all the good you see and accept your flaws. Look in the mirror and fall in love with the reflection that is you.

When you love yourself first, others will love you for who you really are. It is no secret that people are more attracted to a person who is confident and comfortable in their own skin. Once you have mastered self-love, you are ready to start dating and create your ideal partnership.

COPING WITH A PARTNER’S KIDS

Q I’ve been seeing my partner for six months and he finally introduced me to his kids. They are not so much younger than myself, and have taken an automatic disliking to me. Can I change their perception of me?

A Don’t rush them and don’t try to change their behaviour straight away. Although you and their dad have good chemistry, shared interests and a strong friendship, it will take time for you and the kids to get close.

It is important to keep your boundaries clear. Although you may eventually grow close, you will never be the child’s peer. It is up to your partner to reprimand the children if the need arises.

Recognise that they may be jealous of you at first, and may feel threatened by the attention you’re receiving. Let them know you are not trying to steal their dad away, by showing interest in them as well as your partner. Whatever you do, don’t ignore them, but do hold back, and allow them to come to you.

A step-familiy’s identity is built slowly, through effective communication and shared experiences. You will gain the children’s respect by showing them respect. People respond to being treated well, and kids learn by imitation. So show genuine interest and they may indeed, with time, become new friends.

BARGAIN BETTER

Bargaining can seem a little daunting at first, but once you get the hang of it, it will become second nature. The secret is to believe you are worth your asking price. If you are confident in asking for what you want, you are more likely to get it.

When you are offered the promotion, take the time to read through the conditions and responsibilities before you agree to the position. Once you accept the job, you give away your right to bargain – the key is to take your time and avoid making an impulsive decision for fear of them changing their mind. Counter-offers are an expected part of any negotiation.

Remember that you will be giving the company your time and skills and you deserve to be fairy compensated. Taking control of your future income is more than just financial considerations; it can also lead to that elusive condition called happiness.

Q I’ve been single for a couple of years now, and my girlfriends say it’s because I lack charisma. How do I get this so-called ‘charisma’?

A Charismatic people are authentic and true to themselves – they lead rather than follow. Celebrate your uniqueness and others will be drawn to you. A person who is clearly enjoying himself or herself, is more approachable than someone who has a frown glued to their face.

Focus on letting your own individual light shine through. You can’t help but make a good impression when you are on purpose and following your passions. If you are not sure what your passions are, ask yourself these three questions: what do I love to do? What excites me? If I had all the money in the world and didn’t have to work, what would I be doing?

A person who is happy in their own skin, no matter what they are doing, will always attract attention. Charisma lies in the eye of the beholder. What you believe yourself to be is what you will project onto others. You may need to work on building your self-esteem.

Learn to communicate well and build rapport; the power to listen, anticipate and articulate are the gifts of charismatic people. Be confident. Stand tall and present yourself well. Charisma has a lot to do with image. Accept compliments, smile often, make eye contact and don’t be afraid to strike up conversations with strangers. You never know where you might meet Prince Charming!

SELF-LIMITING BELIEFS

Q When I was young my parents told me I wasn’t smart enough to go to uni. I managed to get into my chosen course, but now that I am looking for work, I don’t believe I’m capable of finding a job. What should I do?

A If you’re smart enough to get into uni, you’re certainly smart enough to enter the workforce. Don’t allow your negative beliefs about yourself stop you from achieving your goals.

Many of us hold beliefs about ourselves that produce negative feelings. But beliefs are not as solid or unchangeable as they may first appear. Just as you stopped believing in Santa Clause when you were a child, you can stop believing that you lack the intelligence to make a good life for yourself.

Our beliefs change as we grow older and gain new experiences. They can also change as we gather new information from books, the media or professionals. Start by gathering evidence that proves your belief wrong. This may include writing a list of all your credentials and achievements.

Brainstorm a new belief that you wish to adopt in place of the one that no longer serves you, something like: ‘I am an intelligent person who has much to offer my new employer. Repeat this positive statement daily. You may even find it helpful to put it on a post-it note and stick it round the house, to help reinforce it.

If this fails, you may like to try hypnosis or work with a coach or counsellor who can help you turn the belief into a more positive one.

A It is perfectly normal to feel a range of emotions when you are made redundant, whether it be shock, denial, anger or even resentment. Because people often fall into the trap of defining themselves by what they do, the loss of a job can feel like a part of you has died. The important thing to remember is that you are not your job. You are so much more. You may be a dad, a brother, a great cook or just the neighbourhood nice guy. Don’t lose sight of that.

Start a gratitude journal where you write ten things you are grateful for each day. Writing a comprehensive list of your attributes, both personal and work related, will also help restore some of that lost confidence. Next, revamp your resume and start applying for jobs. Not just any jobs. Have a really good think about what you want to be doing. Because work can provide a great deal of satisfaction, you need to find that satisfaction elsewhere. It could be a new job, a hobby or some form of leisure activity.

Know that redundancy doesn’t discriminate and can effect anyone, skilled or unskilled, senior manager or junior assistant. There is no longer a stigma attached to being made redundant. Gone are the days when a job is for life. In this age, people will often have many job or career changes before they reach retirement.

ONE THING AT A TIME

Q I have so many business ideas flying around in my head, I’m not sure where to start and it’s making me anxious. What can I do?

A Firstly, be thankful that you are bursting with ideas. Many people struggle to come up with new visions, so having an endless supply of inspiration is a good thing. Keep a notebook with you at all times so you can jot down your thoughts. It will be impossible to act on them all at once, but you don’t want to forget them either. Save them for a rainy day, when you have time to pursue something new.

Inspiration can be a bit like a bus sometimes. Either you’re waiting for it to arrive, or it comes in an explosion, blasting open several doors at once, revealing opportunities in abundance. When this happens, I know I tend to grab as much as I can, taking advantage of the brainwaves and charge that come with it. The danger here, is going into overwhelm.

Information overload leads to procrastination, so bite off small chunks. Decide which idea inspires you the most, and write down a list of action steps in order to achieve those goals. Really break the tasks down into smaller more manageable pieces and the journey will become much easier.

FRIENDS’ PROBLEMS

Q I have always been the strong one, helping friends when times get tough, but recently when my grandpa died, my close circle weren’t there for me the way I’d hoped. I feel really let down.

A Often people forget they’re not the only ones with problems and that others need a shoulder to cry on at some point in their lives. If you’ve always been the strong one in your group, your friend’s lack of familiarity with your more vulnerable side may have made if difficult for them to know how to respond.

Think of it like this. You buy a puppy, but never having owned a dog before, you’re not quite sure whether its’ whining is due to a lack of attention or because it’s hungry. If you have not been faced with a certain situation before, it can be difficult to know what to do to help that person.

Sit down with your friends and let them know that you are only human, and sometimes you need the type of support they usually receive from you. Generally these types of problems can be fixed by simply communicating your feelings, and letting the other person know what your needs are.

That said, make sure you don’t allow your friends’ problems to weigh you down either. Taking on other people’s stuff can be emotionally draining, so make sure you have plenty of ‘time-out’ from being your friends’ personal counsellor.

A It may have been acceptable to flip out when you didn’t get your own way at kindergarten, but as adult you need to learn how to harness your hot temper. Try practising self-awareness and self-control. By this, I mean taking a moment to really notice what you are feeling when the anger strikes.

Once you pin-point the cause of your anger, force yourself to come up with three potential solutions. It could be 1) punching a hole in the wall, 2) going for a run 3) waiting until you’re calm enough to talk the issue through with your mate. Taking the time to weigh up your options will help diffuse the emotion. Exercise is also a great outlet.

I get the feeling that you have some buried rage that needs to be dug up and dealt with. When you suppress your emotions it’s like pushing a beach ball under water – eventually it’s going to come to the surface. The deeper you push it down, the bigger the explosion when it does.

Know that you can change your behaviour, but it will take time and persistence. Managing anger is about developing new skills and new responses. If you’d like help with understanding your emotions better, there are free seminars you can attend. Log onto www.yourfuturenow.com.au for details.

TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Q Lately my boyfriend has become controlling. He tells me what to wear, how to act around his mates and has started hinting at me to lose weight. I adore him, but I feel like I’m losing my identity. Am I being unreasonable?
Coral, Brisbane, Qld.

A Not being true to yourself is a sure sign that you’re in a toxic relationship. Often people compromise themselves in order to please the other instead of behaving as they normally would. He may be attractive, have a good job, and at times treat you well, but if he drains criticises or judges you, it could be time to re-evaluate the connection. Emotionally he is hurting you, and ultimately that is a form of abuse.

Try telling your boyfriend how his behaviour is affecting you. Explain how your self-esteem is suffering as a result. If he is unwilling to change, there’s not a lot you can do to improve the relationship on your own. Both parties need to want to heal the wounds.

If you’ve been unhappy for some time, you really need to ask yourself if this relationship is in your best interests. Don’t romanticise the good times; you need to focus on the long-term gain of leaving, as opposed to the short-term hurt of leaving. Staying in an unhealthy partnership can be detrimental to your health and will usually impact other areas of your life as well, so put yourself first.

NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN

Q My fiancé was killed in a motorcycle accident three years ago, and while I have moved through the grief, I can’t see how I could meet anyone like him again. Is it possible to fall in love twice?
Angie, Manly, NSW.

A Absolutely. The belief that there is just one person for each of us, is absurd.  We are not like penguins, which never seek out another partner if they lose their mate! There are millions of people on this earth, many of which you will have strong connections with. But lets not rush into things.

You need to make sure you are ready to return to the dating scene. Healing from the death of a loved one takes time and you need to make sure that your grieving process is fully complete. Take the time to enjoy your own company and really work out the type of man that would make you happy.

When you are clear about what you want, you are more likely to attract it. But whatever you do, don’t try and reinvent your fiancé. Open the door for someone new to come into your life. Give yourself permission to find love in the arms of another man.

Finding true love is possible for anyone, as long as you believe it is. Knowing that there is someone else out there for you is the first step in manifesting him into your life. Start envisioning yourself being in love and concentrate on all the wonderful and exciting opportunities that await you!