BARGAIN BETTER

A Contrary to popular belief, everything in your job offer is negotiable. This is the time to research the salaries of similar jobs. Once you know this, pull out all those performance reviews and list off your credentials in order to sell yourself. Set yourself a price you feel is reasonable, then go for it.

Bargaining can seem a little daunting at first, but once you get the hang of it, it will become second nature. The secret is to believe you are worth your asking price. If you are confident in asking for what you want, you are more likely to get it.

When you are offered the promotion, take the time to read through the conditions and responsibilities before you agree to the position. Once you accept the job, you give away your right to bargain – the key is to take your time and avoid making an impulsive decision for fear of them changing their mind. Counter-offers are an expected part of any negotiation.

Remember that you will be giving the company your time and skills and you deserve to be fairy compensated. Taking control of your future income is more than just financial considerations; it can also lead to that elusive condition called happiness.

Q I’ve been single for a couple of years now, and my girlfriends say it’s because I lack charisma. How do I get this so-called ‘charisma’?

A Charismatic people are authentic and true to themselves – they lead rather than follow. Celebrate your uniqueness and others will be drawn to you. A person who is clearly enjoying himself or herself, is more approachable than someone who has a frown glued to their face.

Focus on letting your own individual light shine through. You can’t help but make a good impression when you are on purpose and following your passions. If you are not sure what your passions are, ask yourself these three questions: what do I love to do? What excites me? If I had all the money in the world and didn’t have to work, what would I be doing?

A person who is happy in their own skin, no matter what they are doing, will always attract attention. Charisma lies in the eye of the beholder. What you believe yourself to be is what you will project onto others. You may need to work on building your self-esteem.

Learn to communicate well and build rapport; the power to listen, anticipate and articulate are the gifts of charismatic people. Be confident. Stand tall and present yourself well. Charisma has a lot to do with image. Accept compliments, smile often, make eye contact and don’t be afraid to strike up conversations with strangers. You never know where you might meet Prince Charming!

SELF-LIMITING BELIEFS

Q When I was young my parents told me I wasn’t smart enough to go to uni. I managed to get into my chosen course, but now that I am looking for work, I don’t believe I’m capable of finding a job. What should I do?

A If you’re smart enough to get into uni, you’re certainly smart enough to enter the workforce. Don’t allow your negative beliefs about yourself stop you from achieving your goals.

Many of us hold beliefs about ourselves that produce negative feelings. But beliefs are not as solid or unchangeable as they may first appear. Just as you stopped believing in Santa Clause when you were a child, you can stop believing that you lack the intelligence to make a good life for yourself.

Our beliefs change as we grow older and gain new experiences. They can also change as we gather new information from books, the media or professionals. Start by gathering evidence that proves your belief wrong. This may include writing a list of all your credentials and achievements.

Brainstorm a new belief that you wish to adopt in place of the one that no longer serves you, something like: ‘I am an intelligent person who has much to offer my new employer. Repeat this positive statement daily. You may even find it helpful to put it on a post-it note and stick it round the house, to help reinforce it.

If this fails, you may like to try hypnosis or work with a coach or counsellor who can help you turn the belief into a more positive one.

Q Two months ago I was made redundant. Since then I’ve felt like I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster and have lost the confidence to get back into the workforce. I feel lost.

A It is perfectly normal to feel a range of emotions when you are made redundant, whether it be shock, denial, anger or even resentment. Because people often fall into the trap of defining themselves by what they do, the loss of a job can feel like a part of you has died. The important thing to remember is that you are not your job. You are so much more. You may be a dad, a brother, a great cook or just the neighbourhood nice guy. Don’t lose sight of that.

Start a gratitude journal where you write ten things you are grateful for each day. Writing a comprehensive list of your attributes, both personal and work related, will also help restore some of that lost confidence. Next, revamp your resume and start applying for jobs. Not just any jobs. Have a really good think about what you want to be doing. Because work can provide a great deal of satisfaction, you need to find that satisfaction elsewhere. It could be a new job, a hobby or some form of leisure activity.

Know that redundancy doesn’t discriminate and can effect anyone, skilled or unskilled, senior manager or junior assistant. There is no longer a stigma attached to being made redundant. Gone are the days when a job is for life. In this age, people will often have many job or career changes before they reach retirement.

ONE THING AT A TIME

Q I have so many business ideas flying around in my head, I’m not sure where to start and it’s making me anxious. What can I do?

A Firstly, be thankful that you are bursting with ideas. Many people struggle to come up with new visions, so having an endless supply of inspiration is a good thing. Keep a notebook with you at all times so you can jot down your thoughts. It will be impossible to act on them all at once, but you don’t want to forget them either. Save them for a rainy day, when you have time to pursue something new.

Inspiration can be a bit like a bus sometimes. Either you’re waiting for it to arrive, or it comes in an explosion, blasting open several doors at once, revealing opportunities in abundance. When this happens, I know I tend to grab as much as I can, taking advantage of the brainwaves and charge that come with it. The danger here, is going into overwhelm.

Information overload leads to procrastination, so bite off small chunks. Decide which idea inspires you the most, and write down a list of action steps in order to achieve those goals. Really break the tasks down into smaller more manageable pieces and the journey will become much easier.

FRIENDS’ PROBLEMS

Q I have always been the strong one, helping friends when times get tough, but recently when my grandpa died, my close circle weren’t there for me the way I’d hoped. I feel really let down.

A Often people forget they’re not the only ones with problems and that others need a shoulder to cry on at some point in their lives. If you’ve always been the strong one in your group, your friend’s lack of familiarity with your more vulnerable side may have made if difficult for them to know how to respond.

Think of it like this. You buy a puppy, but never having owned a dog before, you’re not quite sure whether its’ whining is due to a lack of attention or because it’s hungry. If you have not been faced with a certain situation before, it can be difficult to know what to do to help that person.

Sit down with your friends and let them know that you are only human, and sometimes you need the type of support they usually receive from you. Generally these types of problems can be fixed by simply communicating your feelings, and letting the other person know what your needs are.

That said, make sure you don’t allow your friends’ problems to weigh you down either. Taking on other people’s stuff can be emotionally draining, so make sure you have plenty of ‘time-out’ from being your friends’ personal counsellor.

Q Lately I’ve noticed how conversations with my friends are always full of put-downs. How should I respond to their sarcastic comments?
Kylie, Malmsbury, Vic.

A When baited by others or confronted with unwelcome remarks, don’t take offence. Take on board what is said, but realise that most of the time, another person’s quips are more about them, than you.

The trick is to avoid tension-charged reactions. Let compassion be the motivation behind your response, instead of fear, guilt or anger. Don’t dig up the past or feel the need to throw back hurtful comments. Be the bigger person and refuse to give into their derogatory banter. Respond with respect and dignity.

You’ll find that it’s actually impossible to fight with someone who won’t fight back. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango, and it’s the same with communication. If you remain calm and nonchalant, chances are the other person will back off.

Be confident in your own views, and don’t be afraid to express how you feel about someone’s negative comments. Avoid pleading responses such as: “I wish you wouldn’t say that.” Instead be direct and honest: “I realise you might think that’s funny, but I don’t appreciate that remark.”

Handling abusive communication is a skill, so experiment with expressing yourself without attacking others. If the cutting remarks continue, remove yourself from the conversation. There is no need to be the butt of others’ jokes, so have the strength to walk away.

PUT YOURSELF FIRST

Q I feel like I’ve become a slave to my mother. She relies on me for everything, be it social interaction or emotional support. I find it very draining. What can I do?
Jasmin, Berri, SA.

A Too often we do everything for others and not enough for ourselves. If you don’t take care of your own needs, sooner or later, you’re not going to be of any meaningful use to anyone else. It’s like when an airline attendant tells you to put on the oxygen mask in an emergency before helping others.

You need to start living your own life, and stop worrying about disappointing your mother. She may become resentful to begin with, but it’s important you establish clear boundaries. Spending hours on the phone listening to her every concern could be better spent replenishing your soul.

Practise being selfish – ultimately selfishness is the true path to selflessness. Psychologists have found that people who practise healthy selfishness have a zest for life and are more likely to achieve their potential, because they have a higher level of mental function.

When your mum requests your time and energy, check in with yourself and see whether there is something you’d prefer to be doing. Tell her honestly that you only have a few minutes, as you have other commitments. Then go for a walk, get a massage or have a bath. Nurture yourself.

Relationships need to be give and take. Only you can end the tug of war, by standing up for yourself. Your life should be like a checking account, balancing out on a regular basis so that you always have assets to draw upon.

MOVING ON FROM THE PAST

Q During my time with bi-polar I managed to alienate myself. I have now managed to get the illness under control, but I’m finding it hard to move on from the hurt I caused friends and family.
Rob, Perth, WA.

A Unfortunately we can’t go back in time like Marty did in Back To The Future. We can’t undo the mistakes we made, so there is no use living each day, wishing we’d made different choices. You need to learn from those choices, and use that knowledge to create the future you want.

Moving forward requires you to release past hurts and grudges against both yourself and others. Allowing negative thoughts to run rampant in your mind corrupts positive emotions and stops you from taking action. Bi-polar is no walk in the park, and I am sure your family and friends realise that.

Try talking to those people and apologise for past behaviour, letting them know you have moved on from those negative times and hope they will allow you back into their lives.

Having suffered depression myself, I am well aware of the way a mental illness can deface a person’s behaviour. But you need to stop the beat-up, and recognise you are not the person you were back then. You have taken steps to get back in the driver’s seat of your life, and that can only be commended.

Take time to reflect on what you’ve learnt and how far you’ve come. Step out of the past, and into the now.

Q I’ve always been quick to lose my temper, but the other day I punched a hole in the wall after getting angry at a mate. How can I get control of my emotions?
Jamie, Spotswood, Vic.

A It may have been acceptable to flip out when you didn’t get your own way at kindergarten, but as adult you need to learn how to harness your hot temper. Try practising self-awareness and self-control. By this, I mean taking a moment to really notice what you are feeling when the anger strikes.

Once you pin-point the cause of your anger, force yourself to come up with three potential solutions. It could be 1) punching a hole in the wall, 2) going for a run 3) waiting until you’re calm enough to talk the issue through with your mate. Taking the time to weigh up your options will help diffuse the emotion. Exercise is also a great outlet.

I get the feeling that you have some buried rage that needs to be dug up and dealt with. When you suppress your emotions it’s like pushing a beach ball under water – eventually it’s going to come to the surface. The deeper you push it down, the bigger the explosion when it does.

Know that you can change your behaviour, but it will take time and persistence. Managing anger is about developing new skills and new responses. If you’d like help with understanding your emotions better, there are free seminars you can attend. Log onto www.yourfuturenow.com.au for details.

TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Q Lately my boyfriend has become controlling. He tells me what to wear, how to act around his mates and has started hinting at me to lose weight. I adore him, but I feel like I’m losing my identity. Am I being unreasonable?
Coral, Brisbane, Qld.

A Not being true to yourself is a sure sign that you’re in a toxic relationship. Often people compromise themselves in order to please the other instead of behaving as they normally would. He may be attractive, have a good job, and at times treat you well, but if he drains criticises or judges you, it could be time to re-evaluate the connection. Emotionally he is hurting you, and ultimately that is a form of abuse.

Try telling your boyfriend how his behaviour is affecting you. Explain how your self-esteem is suffering as a result. If he is unwilling to change, there’s not a lot you can do to improve the relationship on your own. Both parties need to want to heal the wounds.

If you’ve been unhappy for some time, you really need to ask yourself if this relationship is in your best interests. Don’t romanticise the good times; you need to focus on the long-term gain of leaving, as opposed to the short-term hurt of leaving. Staying in an unhealthy partnership can be detrimental to your health and will usually impact other areas of your life as well, so put yourself first.

NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN

Q My fiancé was killed in a motorcycle accident three years ago, and while I have moved through the grief, I can’t see how I could meet anyone like him again. Is it possible to fall in love twice?
Angie, Manly, NSW.

A Absolutely. The belief that there is just one person for each of us, is absurd.  We are not like penguins, which never seek out another partner if they lose their mate! There are millions of people on this earth, many of which you will have strong connections with. But lets not rush into things.

You need to make sure you are ready to return to the dating scene. Healing from the death of a loved one takes time and you need to make sure that your grieving process is fully complete. Take the time to enjoy your own company and really work out the type of man that would make you happy.

When you are clear about what you want, you are more likely to attract it. But whatever you do, don’t try and reinvent your fiancé. Open the door for someone new to come into your life. Give yourself permission to find love in the arms of another man.

Finding true love is possible for anyone, as long as you believe it is. Knowing that there is someone else out there for you is the first step in manifesting him into your life. Start envisioning yourself being in love and concentrate on all the wonderful and exciting opportunities that await you!